What if we got everything we wanted?

When things don't go the way I expect them, instead of going with the flow, I tend to fight harder for control. This, of course, does not help. If I can't make one thing go my way then I push to make something else go my way. All the while forgetting that I do not need to fight for control. There is another option.

I have approached this move with the knowledge that I needed to let go of expectations. I knew there would be many things once we got there that would be hard and that I would need to be open to accept whatever. I had not thought about how many expectations I had about the move process.

I have a good friend that has moved her family across the world...twice. She is a great source of wisdom for me. She was sharing with me recently how she is learning that expectations are usually never a good thing. They set us up for disappointment and prevent us from seeing the blessing we have in front of us.

My mother-in-law has always said something similar about expectations in relationships. She reflects on how most arguments and relationship strife come from unmet (and often unfair or uncommunicated) expectations.

I believe these wise women in my life and I want to learn from them. I feel I have grown over the years in my ability to let go of expectations but is still so difficult. I was thinking today about what it would be like if I got everything I wanted. Much like a child who got everything they asked for.

If it were up to Tyler, he would eat candy for breakfast, play video games all day, stay-up late and never change his clothes. I can look at that and realize that it is not helpful to him or others for him to get everything he wants. Not that his desires are all bad. He just needs a parent to be there for guidance and to know what is best for him.

What would it be like for me to approach a day like a child who has a parent loving taking care of me. Of course, I can ask for anything I want and many of those things will be granted and good for me. But, I could also have the opportunity to rest in knowing that whatever I receive that day, will be okay. I am safe.

So hear are the things I am really wanting that I am fighting to keep and take control of...

• We leave Friday night to find a house in Seattle. I want to find a house on that trip that I like, that has kids in the neighborhood, that has a community oriented school, has walkable parks, is close to Brian's work, and close to a Church that fits our family
  
• I want to say good-bye well to all my friends. For the kids to feel like they got to say good-bye to all their friends. I want the schedule for the next month to look perfect and balanced in the way that we spend our time so that no one feels left out of spending time with us and that we all get time to take in our "lasts"
• I want Christmas to be awesome and my kids to get all they want and for us to be able to ship it to Seattle without costing more than what we paid for everything
• I want someone to move into our house that will take care of it as well as we do, be good neighbors to the Watkins, and have cute decorative skills
  
• I want to notice when my kids are struggling with these changes and be available to support them. I want to make it as easy as possible for them.
  
• I want to support my husband; to be excited for these changes for him and encourage him to share how he is processing
• I want to love the Watkins well and care for their hearts as they are experiencing this major life change too.
• I want to get rid of all the extra stuff I don't want to move, clean out closets and cabinets and organize/put away all my piles of papers before the movers come.

Obviously, most of those things are good things and they are things we would all want. My stress comes when I think I am the only one that can make these things happen.

"For all who are led by the Spirit of God are sons of God. For you did not receive the spirit of slavery to fall back into fear, but you have received the Spirit of adoption as sons, by whom we cry, “Abba! Father!” Romans 8:14-15

If you pray, then please pray that God will grant the desires of my heart. But also pray that I will let go of my hold on them realizing that when things don't go as I expect, I have a loving Father that is caring for me.

Bedtime prayers

Tyler started talking about what he wants for his birthday party. This is a common topic of conversation that the boys like to bring up often. This is the first time he has thought of it since realizing we are moving. He started talking about a video game party where all his friends can bring their own gaming systems and they can all play video games all night. He intereuppted himself as he realized he would not be here with his current friends when his birthday comes around in June.

His face fell, "Oh" he said. "I forgot."

"You know what, TYler? I have a prediction. I predict that you will have at least one good friend that you can invite to a video game party for your birthday."

"I hope so."

As I tucked the kids in bed, Tyler communicated his fears again about making friends. "I hope I really have one friend by my birthday."

"Let's pray about it, " I responded.

He prayed that God would give him a good teacher that wasn't mean and that he would have a good friend to play video games with. He then said if he doesn't he hopes he will be okay and will be happy to play video games with Daddy.

Wow! My prayers don't even sound that mature. He prays honestly for what he wants but is quick to add that God would help him be content if his expectations aren't met. Lord, help me to lay my expectations before you and be okay if they are not met.

I moved over to Grayson's bed. He asked if we could pray just like Tyler. He wanted to pray quietly in his head. When he was done I asked what his prayer was and I could hardly keep my laughter in.

"I prayed that I would have a birthday party and that if there were two bad guys there that were not my friends and then one of them punched me in the face and then the other punched me in my face, that I would walk away."

He is such a riot!

When Brian tucked Tyler into bed. Ty asked him if he would play video games on his birthday if Tyler didn't have any friends yet. Brian responded that they could play video games the whole night.

"The whole night?! I hope I don't have any friends by my birthday...well, actually I do."

We all do!

We are Moving!

The boys used to ask me if we would ever move to a new house and I was too quick to answer, no. I told them we would probably always live in this house. I know realize how futile our plans can be and that we really do not know what tomorrow holds.

I never thought we would leave Maplewood and I absolutely did not imagine moving to the other side of the country. We will be two hours from Canada!!!

To read a time line of how the possibility of moving started read here

To read how I've been processing the possibility, read here

Last Wednesday, Brian and I sat down to make a final decision about accepting the offer. It didn't have to be that long of a discussion, as we have hardly talked about anything else for the last few months.

He told his work the next day, his last day will be November 11th. We will leave that night to go to Seattle for a little less than a week to find a rental house.

We told the kids on Friday morning. We took them to donughts, a huge treat for them. Brian started by reminding them of how we have been telling them how awesome Seattle is and they guessed that we were taking them on a trip. We explained we would be living there and they immediately cheered and were very excited. The younger two have maintained that feeling. Grayson is mostly excited about the huge truck that is going to come and take all our stuff...even our bikes.

Tyler's emotions are more complex. His excitement faded when Brian explained he would be going to a new school. The first thing he said was that he didn't want to leave his house. Brian could not hold it together at that point and I had to take the lead. We explained that it is okay to be sad and scared. That is is also okay to be sad and excited at the same time. We talked about the things we were sad to leave but also the things we were excited about. We showed the kids pictures of Seattle and a map and talked more about all the things we can do there. Tyler summarized it up: "I feel mostly excited, a little scared and a little sad."

We then drove to the Pumpkin Patch and had the best time. The weather was gorgeous and Brian and I smiled more than we have in a long time. There was such a huge weight lifted off after telling them. We knew they would be fine. Brian might still be struggling with a little guilt...he bought us the biggest pumpkin I've ever had. It really was fun.

On the way home from the Pumpkin Patch we started singing "God is so good." Grayson added versus he's learned at preschool one of which was "God gives us friends." Tyler exlaimed, "That's the one we really need to sing because we are going to need God to give us new friends in Seattle." So we all sang it together. I then asked them what other things we needed to ask God to give us for Seattle. Tyler responded, "God gives us hope" and "God makes us strong."

I am beyond thankful for those conversations and confirmation that God will use this in my children's lives to show them how they can turn to God when they are scared, how he goes before us and that they can trust Him. These are the very things I am having to cling to as well.

Time is moving fast. We have less than six week until we move and 2 of those weeks we will be out of town. That means I have four weeks left in my house and four weeks left to say good-bye. It all seems very unreal at times.